So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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