there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
