I accidentally had phone sex last night
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions