Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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