My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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