It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
