I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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