i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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