He asked to "fluff my boner.."
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
