the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
