Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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