If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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