That's when you crack a 10am beer
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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