I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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