Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
