Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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