I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
