she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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