sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
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i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
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I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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