Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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