We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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