I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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