the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
