I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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