Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
