u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
