I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
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I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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