you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
