and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
