There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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