nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
from now on my penis is your penis
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
