You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
