How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
