I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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