How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
