I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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