That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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