I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
