Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
