im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
