Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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