We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
