If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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