Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
