I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
