I think im going to throw up on grandma
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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