we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
