these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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