i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
