I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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