her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
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