My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
