is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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